Chapter 35
“I - okay.” I take a deep breath. Talking about Leia with someone else felt a bit weird. But, this is therapy. I have no choice. “We have been friends since kindergarten, she has the whitest-blond hair that I was always jealous of and-” I bite my lip as Miss Kit writes something down on her clipboard. I couldn’t help it, “what are you writing about me?” I blurt. Miss Kit’s face doesn’t change, still as soft as the clouds. “I’m just recording and noting some stuff. I want to know as much as I can about you, Kaylee.” “Actually, most of my friends call me Kay,” I mumble shyly. “Sorry?” “My friends call me Kay,” I say louder. “Do you like that nickname?” Miss Kit asks. “I didn’t really have a choice… so I learned to like it. I guess so.” “Can you tell me more about Leia?” “She’s an only child, has blond hair, good at art..” I trail off. “Can you tell me more about your friendship with Leia?” “Well,” I think. “We were, well, we are best friends, and she lived across the street. Our favourite game to play was ‘try not to laugh’.” I sigh, missing those times. I continue, “I guess in my head, I always had one goal with her: finish grade 8 with her. Her sudden move hit me so hard,” I admit. This is weird. I’ve never said these things ever in my life. I close my eyes because every second of it hurts. There’s silence. “What happened when Leia moved?” Miss Kit asks gently. I squeeze my eyes, “Leo… moved in,” I whisper. “How do you feel about Leo?” “He’s a great friend but..” I open my eyes, “it feels so weird to think to replace Leia,” I say. Miss Kit clears her throat, “I don’t think you’re replacing her at all! Do you still talk to her regularly?” “Yes!” “Okay, great Kaylee! Next session we can talk about it some more, okay?” Miss Kit smiles. “Wait, we’re already done?” I ask, surprised. “Of course! It’s just a few minutes every week, Kaylee. I’ll see you later.” “Okay, thank you!” I stand up and start to walk through that long hallway, unable to believe myself that I made through this. I meet mom in the waiting room, and she catches my smile. She smiles back. “Soo,” she starts. “How’d it go?” We walk out of the clinic while she throws another ‘thank you’ to the lady at the desk. “Eh, it was average I guess,” I lie. My insides scream with happiness meanwhile. I actually did this! It wasn’t the best feeling though. Talking about Leia and Leo was uncomfortable. I wish Miss Kit would tell me a bit more about herself so I knew who I was spilling my heart out to. I’m still half smiling when we reach the car. I hop in. “Who’s your therapist?” Mom and me buckle our seatbelts. “Her name is Miss Kit. She’s nice,” I admit. Mom starts to pull out as I lean my head against the headrest. “So is it that bad?” I spark up, “mom! I wasn’t that stressed.” Mom waits, “really.” I raise my eyebrows, “yes, really,” I lie. I guess you can’t ever hide anything from moms. That annoys me. I sigh. Maybe, just maybe, therapy wasn’t as bad. Just maybe.
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Chapter 34
The first 30 seconds of my day when I wake up on Saturday morning were glorious, until I realize that I have therapy today. My head isn’t hot, and I feel fine, except for the fact that it’s only 8:30 in the morning and I have a hurricane in my stomach. “KAYLEE!” Kris yells from downstairs, “BREAKFAST!” I roll out of bed and stubble down the stairs, thinking of Leia. I meet dad in the kitchen, and I smile for him. “Kaylee!” Dad gives me a bear hug. One of those hugs that is more of a squeeze. One of those hugs where you think everything’ll be okay, even when you know it’s not. One of those hugs where you just can’t stop smiling. “Hi!” I gasp, feeling excited. “Look hon I gotta go fix some stuff on the car today, okay? I can’t stay for long. Good luck for therapy though. I know you can do it Kaylee.” Dad grabs my shoulders and kisses me on the forehead, and then runs out the hallway, out the door. My heart sinks, and I feel like crying. My insides feel like cream cheese, I’m not sure I can do this. Instead of balling my eyes out, I walk over to the kitchen table and meet mom there. I nibble on some bacon. I really hope my eyes have gray circles around them so mom could understand this pain. “Kaylee!” Mom sips her coffee, “you’re barely eating. Hurry up and finish, we’re leaving in half in an hour.” Sometimes when I want my mom to help, sometimes she does the complete opposite. I shove another 3 pieces of bacon in my mouth and scamper upstairs, watching dad pull out of the driveway out the window. In my room, I change quickly into a hoodie and some tights, and when I’m about to run out of the room, I glance at the duck sticker Leia gave me the day she moved… No. I’m not going to think about her. Leia did not make me go to therapy. This is my story. ………………………………………………………............................................................................. In the car I start to wake up and fully panic. The only thing mom says is: “You'll be fine Kaylee. This is nothing to worry about, okay?” I didn't even answer because mom sounded frustrated at me. I can’t tell her about how I’m feeling. She’ll just get more mad at me. Later, we drive into the therapy clinic. Witch is only really a 10 minute drive from our house but for me it felt like a year. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? My insides melt and fiddle, and I try to focus on the text Leo sent me this morning, reminding me that I could do this. Leo: u can do this, kay, you’ll crush it Then he sends a cool shades emoji which he knows always makes me smile. I sigh. Gosh, do I need therapy for therapy? Me and mom slam the car doors and walk inside. Weird clinic scents fill my nostrils. I hate it already. Me and mom wait in the waiting room in silence after she checks in. “Yes. Kaylee Louins. Here for therapy. Thanks.” The seats smell like fish as I sit on them, tornadoes forming into a hurricane. Forget the butterflies. Mom sits on her chair with her purse on her lap, with no real expression. It’s so quiet in the room, and I start to hear murmuring from a closed door across the room. It sounds like they’re underwater. Then a lady with long blond hair opens that door and comes out of the water and calls, “Kaylee Louins?” I stand up and glance at mom, there was nothing else I could do. Then her eyes give me a push to go alone. And that was that. There was no way I would beg my mom to come with me. I’m 13! I walk with the blond haired lady down a long hallway. It feels like I’m walking in water: slow and unbreathable. We eventually reach a room on the left with gray walls. The lady motions me to sit down on a purple fluffy couch, while she sits on a chair across from me. There is a bin of toys like squish balls and fidget toys. The lady gets a clipboard from a table beside her and clicks her pen. “Hi Kaylee! Welcome. I’m Miss Kit, and I’m your therapist for now.” I gulp, “okay.” Miss Kit folds her legs, “okay! So this is your personal room, you’re free here. Talk about whatever you want. It’s your spotlight, okay?” “I-okay.” “You can talk about whatever you like. Can you tell me a little bit about why you’re here today?” Miss Kit flips her long blond hair and I see that she’s wearing big hoop earrings. “.... In your own words?” I think about all that’s happened. Leia moving, Leo, mom, Kris, math. It’s too much. I close my eyes and think of Leo, “I don’t… know.” Miss Kit tilts her head, “I know you can do it,” she almost whispers. I squeeze my eyes and take Leo’s advice about talking with your eyes closed. “That way you don’t need to pay attention to the real world.” “I - well, um, I have this friend -” “What’s your friends’ name?” I open my eyes, “Leia. Her name is Leia. And we weren’t just friends, we were best friends.” Memories start to fly by me and I can’t help to smile just a bit. Miss Kit waits for me to keep talking. “....And, she had to move. To Ontario. It was horrible. Why do people move? I don’t know.” I tell Miss Kit about the test, Leo, our bus game, and then, therapy. There’s this clock in the room that would tick tock in between our silences. “I didn’t know if I would’ve liked therapy,” I say finally. Miss Kit scribbles something on her clipboard. I wonder what she’s writing about me. “Kaylee, you’re a strong person -” “Really?” I interrupt. Miss Kit doesn’t get mad. Her face still stays as soft as before, and she smiles, “of course! I’m so glad you got to come here. It does sound like you have stressful things in your life-” “I guess so,” I interrupt again. “But at those times,” Miss Kit continues, “you need to remember to talk it out with someone you trust. Okay? Promise me that one thing?” She asks seriously. I nod shyly. “Okay, cool. So can you tell me more about how you feel about Leia moving?” “I-” I gulp. “I don’t know,” I breathe out. “Does it bother you?” Miss Kit asks, voice still soft as a pillow. “I don’t like to…” I squeeze my eyes, “... think about it.” “Do you close your eyes when you're scared?” I rub my sweaty hands on my pants. “When I don’t feel like talking. So I talk into darkness instead,” I smile, “Leo taught me.” Miss Kit nods and looks at the clock. “So, can you tell me more about Leia?” Chapter 33
My ringer rings at 3:30 and I’m in bed, resting. Mom finally gave me my phone back after minutes of begging. “Fine,” she said, “but don’t come to me when you feel sick again.” Typical. My insides feel like mush until I reach my phone and see that Leo is dialing. I straighten up my voice to make sure that it doesn’t sound like I was in bed all day. “Hey,” I pick up. “Ayee,” he says on the other side of the call, “you finally answered my call.” “What? You called before?” “Sure I did,” Leo says, “twice.” “Sorry,” I grumble. “My mom took my phone.” “That’s okay. Anyway, what’s up?” I laugh, “are you asking me if I’m feeling better?” “Nevermind,” Leo laughs, “I think I already might know the answer.” I ignore him, “I’m okay. I’ll be back to school on Monday.” I relax when I realize that today’s Friday, but then I flip over when I notice that I have therapy tomorrow. “Uhh, anyways, what’s up? How was school?” “More homework,” I hear Leo sigh on the other end. “Awesome.” “Great. More stress to add with therapy,” I grumble. I don’t think Leo heard me. “But other than that, it was chill.” Then Leo starts to tell me this new video game that all the boys are talking about. Leo is a boy so I kind of have to listen to this stuff. I start to fall asleep a little. “Kaylee!” Leo says, “you still there?” “Huh? Oh yeah sorry. You uh.. Where on speaker. I just had to go get something,” I lie. “Right,” Leo doesn’t sound like he believed me. “Well anyway, I’ll see you later, I need to take Myla to the playground,” Leo says. “Cool,” I reply, sitting up. “Bye.” …………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. After another few hours of staring at the ceiling, mom comes in. “Hi honey! How was your day?” “How do you think my day was,” I clench my teeth, not looking at mom. “Kaylee, don’t talk to me like that,” mom sits on my bed, “what’s bugging you.” I stay silent so she could come to her senses. “Therapy?” I sit up, unable to contain myself. I give mom a nod. “Why is it bugging you so much? It’s not the brave Kaylee I know.” I tear up, I can’t help it. Why am I such a crybaby? “‘Cause it isn’t! I’m not brave anymore, mom.” I say quite loudly. Then I quiet down a little, “I’ll never get my brave back without Leia.” Mom shakes her head, “honey, that’s not true. You and Leia are two different people! I sometimes think sometimes your bravery relied on her but Kaylee…” I look at my mom, “you need to be brave for yourself now. It’s just like I said: there’s a first time for everything, and when that time comes…” “... It’s normal to be nervous. I know.” I look up, “thanks mom.” I hug her. “And,” mom continues when we release. “Your birthday is coming up! That’s something exciting to think about. It’s in November!” I roll my eyes, “I know that mom.” But then I widen my eyes because November is pretty close. “But, oh yeah! I forgot about that.” “Do you want… a party? A movie, ooh, maybe a nail makeover…” “-No,” I cut. “I already know,” I smile. Mom blinks, “o-okay. What is it?” I smile again, “to go out to eat with you, and to invite Leo to come over at a separate day, just here, at our house. Sound good?” “Of course,” mom’s smile widens. “Are you sure that’s all you want?” “Mom!” I laugh, “it’s all I need.” Mom nods and leaves the room. My 14th birthday on November 26th won't be the best, but at least it’s something to look forward to. When mom leaves the room, I feel a lifting feel of happiness. Maybe therapy isn’t as bad as I think it is. But I guess I’ll find out tomorrow. Chapter 32
“Good morning, honey. How are you feeling?” Mom’s sitting on my bed with more wet clothes for my forehead. My stomach growls with hunger. “Feeling hungry,” I reply. I try to laugh but I can’t. “What happened?” “You were mumbling in your sleep…. Soon after you started to yell. I went over and saw you were very warm, you have a bit of a fever!” “What was I yelling?” I gulp. “Not sure,” mom thinks. “Gibberish.” I sigh. Phew. I skate that thought out of my head. “Well, I should be getting ready for school…” I look over at the clock that reads: 11:13 am I shoot a look at mom. “I slept in until 11? Is that even possible for a human being?” I lay back down. “What about school?” “I called so you wouldn’t have to go today,” mom says. “But Kay, are you okay?” “I’m fine mom,” I say. “I just had a bad dream, that’s all.” “Do you want to talk about it?” “Nah.” After a little while, mom leaves for me to rest a bit while I think about my dream. I remembered every second of it. So was it a dream? Am I going crazy? Of course it was just a dream. Now that I think it over, the dream doesn’t sound scary at all. Why was I so scared? Dreams sometimes seem so scary when you’re dreaming them…. I think it’s because you’re actually a part of that dream. Like, you’re feeling it. It’s so weird. I sit up and shuffle a bit in my bed. I was still really warm so I got up and opened the window a bit further for more air. The birds started to sing some more as I layed back down on my bed and reached for my phone. “Moooom!” I yell. “Did you take my phone?” I yell out of the room. Mom comes in, “oops, sorry,” she puts my phone on the stand. “I took it away because of the waves, Kaylee. You really shouldn’t be sleeping with it in your room,” mom says. “It’s unhealthy.” “Okay mom,” I reply but pay no attention. I see texts from both Leia and Leo. Mom leaves the room while I pull up the chat from Leo: Leo: morning :) Leo: not here today? I hope u feel better Leo: text me when u get this! Then Leo sent a funny GIF of a rabbit eating. It was so cute! Kaylee: morning! Kaylee: im fine, just a bit sick. I’ll call u later, bye! I press send and switch over to Leia’s texts. Lei: haiii! Leia: hru? Leia: maybe call me today? Kaylee: hii! Kaylee: sure i’ll call u, but not today, is that ok?? I’m feeling a bit sick today:( I close my eyes and turn off my phone. I remember Savannah telling me once that she liked being sick because you got to stay home. But I hate it. You get all hot and need to stay in bed all day. Mom makes soup and I have a stuffy nose for at least another week after I eventually get better. A blip comes from my phone. Leo: sure!! U can call me after school:) Kaylee: great!:) Wait, it’s still first period, u have ur phone? Leo: ssh. Putting it away now lol. Cya Kaylee: talk later.:) Mom knocks and comes in with a bowl of soup. She sees me texting Leo. Then mom puts the soup on my nightstand. “No more phone,” she takes it. I groan. “So,” mom starts, “how are you and Leo?” “We’re just friends,” I say automatically, forgetting mom’s question. “I know hon. I mean is he a good friend?” “Of course! I’m glad I got to be friends with him,” I touch the bowl of soup and accidentally burn my finger, “ouch.” Mom nods and kisses my forehead. “Drink your soup, sweets. Rice is in the kitchen if you want some. I’ll be in the basement.” “Doing work?” I lean over to my nightstand and blow on the soup. “And laundry,” she sighs. “Can I have my phone back?” I slip in. “Aah, no. The waves are unhealthy-” “I don’t care about the waves!” I exclaim. Mom blinks, “-nobody does, Kay. But it’s still unhealthy. You need a break from your phone.” And before I could say anything else as an excuse, mom tucks my phone in her pocket, kisses me again, and leaves the room with a slight slam of the door. Hmph. Chapter 31
I try to wake up, but I’m too groggy for some reason. My phone starts buzzing but I ignore it. When I finally and eventually sit up, I realize it’s not morning yet. It’s the middle of the night, where I’m shadowed with darkness. I look over to my clock. 3:30 am. Something starts to buzz in my head, telling me to go back to sleep. I lay on my pillow, trying to get a comfortable position but I can’t. So I just lay there, waiting for myself to fall asleep. I blink. I’m not sure if it was 5 seconds or 5 minutes. It's hard to calculate time in the night, where everything is the same for long periods of time. I start to lay still, until I hear some sort of scratching noise. Who was it? What was it? Wait a minute, now that I think about it, it doesn’t sound much like scratching…. It’s writing. Who’s writing? Where? My heart gives a leap when I realize that it’s kinda creepy. I try to sleep anyway, but the noise of someone writing gets louder. Who’s writing? I toss and turn, therapy sticks in my mind. I’m facing my bedroom wall, my eyes forced shut. All of the sudden, the scratching noise of someone writing… stops. Then it’s just me, and my heartbeat alone again. I breathe hard while my heart thumps. Then a voice in front of me says: “So, Kaylee, what has brought you to therapy today?” My heart does a leap, but no scream comes out, as much as I wanted it to. I’m screaming inside instead. Which isn’t really any better. I dare not to look at the front, were the voice came from. Things spiral out of control and my heart does, too. Am I… dead? Before I know it, I’m sitting up on my bed, sun pouring out my open window. I have a wet cloth on my forehead, breathing hard. Chapter 30
The next morning my insides roll telling me I’m one more day closer to Saturday. I don’t think I’ve dreaded anything as much as I’ve dreaded this in my whole life. After I sleep on the conversation of being ‘nothing’ it sounds weird to me. We are always something. Right? I meet mom in the den, drinking her coffee. She looks tired. “Morning,” I mumble. “Good morning, sweets! Sleep well?” She yawns. “I guess.” I sit on the couch and think for a second. I look up to the ceiling. “Hey mom?” “Mm?” “Is it wrong for me to feel scared for therapy?” I ask. “Not really,” she says, “there’s a first time for everything. And I guess when those times come… it’s normal to be nervous.” “That makes sense,” I nod. I’ve never been a talker. But I guess I’ve always been a worrier. And talking about feelings is just so much harder and less comfortable for me. Mom notices my silence. “You’ll be okay. I know it. Don’t worry,” mom rubs my back. “Thanks, mom,” I stand up to get some cereal. “I won’t worry.” As I get the box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I think that me and mom both know that nothing will stop me from worrying, as much as we know I don’t want to. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. In the evening, I’m curled up in my bean bag chair, cozied by blankets, setting up FaceTime on my computer. It’s dark outside, and I’m tired. I feel loose and sleepy, almost like I’m dreaming. When I feel down like this, I talk to Leia. I look over to my nightstand, where Leia’s duck sticker is still stuck to the wall. Man, I miss Leia. Before I know it, I’m dialing Leia’s cell. We planned this FaceTime to talk about what’s going on. I position my laptop better on my lap, on top of the blanket. The dialer rings for a few seconds while I look at myself in the camera. My reddish-brown hair is hung down, looking floppy, like a mop. My eyes are squinting at the brightness of the screen, because the rest of the room is so dark. Leia eventually picks up and she’s in her pj’s, sitting on her bed, I notice her wall is now hung with artwork and a few picture frames. “Hii Kay!” She squeals. “Hey!” I start, “what’s new?” Leia’s microphone cracks, “a lot, actually!” “You start.” “Okay,” Leia plays with her shirt. “Well, unpacking is going faster than we’d expect it to. I have this art’s teacher I really like and her name is Miss Zoe. Um…” Leia thinks, “oh! We also have these neighbours with a fluffy dog named Clementine. She’s so cute!” “Aw,” I think back to Angel. “Anway, overall, school’s been good. That’s all that matters,” Leia laughs and says, “just kidding. It’s hard to move.” “Mm.” “Anyways, ‘nough about me. What’s up for you?” After a few seconds, I say, “nothing much.” Leia blinks through the camera, “oh come on. Spill.” I laugh a bit, “well, if you want to know about Leo,” I start, “he’s fine. We’re friends now. He’s also teaching me how to skateboard,” I lean closer to the computer, excited. “Ooh, nice. Then YOU can teach me!” I laugh, “not for a while.” “So how’s school?” Leia asks. I tell Leia about the test situation. I mean, I obviously told her before, but not as detailed as right now. Leia understood. She always does. Then I start to talk about how mom suggested therapy. “And then she just, said it,” I express with my hands. “She was all like, ‘dad and I were thinking to sign you up for therapy,’” I mimic my mom’s serious voice. Leia raises her eyebrows. She’s leaning her head against her hand. “Do you think I need therapy?” I ask Leia. She sits up and sighs, “well, everyone thinks they don’t. But-” “So you think I need it?” “What? No! No. I don’t think you need therapy. I just-” Leia takes a sad sigh. “I just… wish I hadn’t left you. I’m sorry I did. Now you.. Don’t really have anyone to talk to,” Leia sniffs. I shake my head, “no. It’s not like that. We have FaceTime and-” “Kaylee!” Leia starts, “FaceTime will not solve our problems. I’m not even allowed on my iPad a lot of the time. It’s not like we could walk over to each other’s houses whenever we want.” We’re silent for a few minutes. But, I must admit, Leia was right. It’s not like we can walk across the street and visit each other that easy anymore. We can’t talk in school together, study together, have sleepovers that often. It sucks. “Hey, remember,” I start, “remember when you came to my house after I found out you were moving.” “Yeah.” “Well, remember how to told me… you told us to be brave? I really hung onto that courage, Leia. What happened to it?” I ask. “I don’t know. I-” she sighs, “I guess I forgot how hard it would be. Being alone and apart from you is really hard, Kaylee.” She sniffs. “Thanks for being there.” I smile. “Well, at least it’s not the 50s where we have to mail each other,” I joke. “Am I right?” We laugh. After our fit of laughing, we calm down and Leia says, “you’ll have Leo.” “So what if I have Leo?” I say, “he’s only a side kind of…. Friend but - oh stop looking at me like that.” “‘Kay,” Leia says, “Leo is your new me.” “I - what? No, you’re my new… you. Um, but wait, you’re your own you but-” “Kay!” Leia laughs, “my point here is that Leo is now how I would be.” “Plus,” Leia leans in, “you’ll have more experience with… boys.” I wish I could throw a pillow at her through the camera. “Stop! It’s not like that. I don’t like him like that, okay? We’re-” “Friends. Yeah yeah, I get it.” Me and Leia talk for awhile before we end the call. “‘Night Kay,” Leia waves. I get so many flashbacks at once when Leia says those words. Flashbacks of sleepovers, FaceTime calls, camo trips, Leia would say those two words: ‘’night Kay’. I smile and hope I wasn’t quite for too long, “‘night, Leia.” “Thanks for being my best friend.” “Thanks for being mine.” And before I could throw another smile through the camera, she hangs up and leaves me sitting in the darkness. Chapter 29
The breeze rattles as I try to copy Leo’s actions by dropping the skateboard in front of me. Instead, it bumps my knee and thumps on the ground. Ouch. Leo laughs, “good… good try.” I turn red because I know I wasn’t really trying. “Whatever. Just start already!” “Geez, okay,” Leo starts, “lesson number one,” he gets on the board like it’s breathing. “So the first thing you really need to know is balance. If you can’t find your balance on the board, you overall can’t skate.” Leo stands on the board and it doesn’t move, doesn’t wobble. “Not only you find balance on the board, but also in your feelings and thoughts, too. Skateboarding is very straightforward. If you’re too distracted in your thoughts…” Leo waits for me to finish. “Crash,” is all I say. Leo nods. “What I want you to do is find your balance on that penny board.” “I-” I stammer, “should be easy enough,” I say under my breath. I crouch and make the bright neon-orange skateboard straighter. Leo is very patient as I lightly put my first foot onto the board. It’s more wobbly as I thought it would be. I move the board very slightly, rolling it back and forth on those rubber wheels. Then I lift my left foot from the ground and put it on the board, also. Everything happens in a second. I think: I’m so good at this! Wait till mom sees me… maybe that’ll cancel therapy… Therapy. My foot slides and with a terrifying moment, I feel the wheels move and I crash into the hard gravel. Leo walks forward, “oh, that’s normal. You good?” I stand up and my behind hurts, “are you asking me if I’m okay?” I laugh. I sigh, “I thought about therapy and… fell.” I look back to the board. “Yeah, try not to think about it. Try to think about nothing, okay?” I focus on that word. “Nothing? Well, everyone thinks about something,” I say. “Right?” “When I try to think about nothing,” Leo stuffs his hands in his pockets,”I try to think about that one word.” I nod, “I’ll try again.” Leo smiles as I try to focus on that one word: nothing. What is nothing? Is nothing something? I think it’s hard to think about nothing because it’s still something. Is nothing just a dark place? But that would still be something: darkness. I take a deep breath and think: ‘I am nothing’. Then I step on the penny board again. It’s like watching two swimmers swim in ice cold water. You look at them and think, ‘well, the water can’t be that cold’. Then you try to swim but you just can’t. It’s too cold. This is harder than it looks. The wheels slip and slide as I eventually get both of my feet on the board after a few times. I am nothing. Nothing. Nothing. The board rolls back and forth. I can feel every inch of concrete below me. The skateboard moves forward and backward so much I eventually lose my balance and fall. “Why can’t I do it?” I pant, getting up from the ground. “Needs practise!” Leo says. “Hey, let’s call it a day. Lesson two is next week. Let’s go back to my house for smoothies. You in?” I pick up the board, “sure.” “Also,” Leo starts, “we need to feed Angel. Remind me.” I feel like I’m one of those heart eyes emojis, “yay!” Me and Leo walk home, talking about nothing. “What is nothing?” I ask out loud. “It has to be something,” Leo points out. My mind slowly wanders back to therapy. It’s every second, every second hurts to think that I’m one second closer to the first session. I’m dreading every minute thinking of it, almost like I want to shut it out of my head. I blink, “so! How are the bunnies anyway?” Leo smiles, “great! I take them outside more often now. Angel’s also doing great. Eating a lot though. Getting pre-tty fat.” I laugh, “aww.” I picture Angel’s soft fur…. Right in my arms always. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. When we arrive at Leo’s, I text mom that I’m there. Then he makes a smoothie. “Uhh, strawberry banana for strawberry… mango..?” He asks, thinking. “We have loads of strawberries.” “Umm, strawberry banana.. Please.” I say. We talk and enjoy the smoothie. The conversation of nothing still stays in my head. Later on, we finish and head upstairs to see the bunnies. There are much less boxes in each hallway, and each time I walk by some of the rooms, more and more things are unpacked. The bunny room door is always closed. Leo opens it and I immediately see Angel nibbling on some of her grass. Leo laughs, “always eating,” then we laugh some more because Angel is fat. “Can I pick her up?” I ask, even if I know the answer will be a yes. Leo nods and carefully hands Angel to me. If only things were like this all the time. Chapter 28
I race up Leia’s old stairs and knock on the front door. Leo answers it after a second and I see right away that there are less boxes in the hallway. “Come to check on Angel?” He smirks. “Ha ha,” I don’t laugh. “I came to tell you about the test.. And something else.” I say. “Oh, okay, come, let’s sit outside.” Leo leads me to the front yard where we sit on the grass, full of angry mosquitoes. They bite me the second I sit down but I don’t care. Nothing matters right now, not until I tell Leo. “So, I was going to call you but ugh,” I lean my head in my hands. “Mom wants me to try therapy.” I say. Leo widens his eyes but I tell he’s trying to be polite, “really? I mean, why is that a problem?” I look over, “because it just is! Therapy is for sick people, Leo. Not people like me. Therapy is for people… people who have.. Problems.” I sigh. “Well, if you try, I’m sure it’s not that bad-” “You sound like my mom,” I roll my eyes. “Let me finish. It can’t be that bad. All you do is… talk.” My heart has this deep pain, almost like I want to shout and cry. As much as I want to cry, no tears come. Instead, I take a shaky breath and say: “talking is so hard sometimes.. Isn’t it?” Me and Leo just sit, and it’s one of those moments where you’re just waiting for the other person to reply, asking yourself whether you should speak again or not. Finally, Leo speaks. “Well, when it’s hard.. I-I close my eyes and talk. That way you don’t need to pay attention to the real world.” It’s getting really dark, so mom would be getting worried. But I don’t really care what she thinks right now. Nothing really matters anymore right now. “... you try it,” Leo says. “I- okay.” I close my eyes and see complete darkness. Remind me why I’m doing this? “- Now, say what’s on your mind. Remember, the world isn’t here.” “Right,” I breathe. Then out of nowhere, I just start talking. I talk like I’ve never talked before. Only, it wasn’t only talking. It was like spilling out my heart, too. It’s the best and worst feeling I’ve ever had in my entire life. But as painful as it gets to spill that pain, I keep talking. “Leia’s gone. I want to learn how to skateboard. Sometimes I miss dad, like why in the world would he take a job and only come back on the weekend? I miss him so much sometimes. I also really regret scribbling over that test,” I squeeze my eyes, “why couldn’t I just… try? Now I need therapy. I’m scared. Mom and Kris always say I overreact about different things, so I can’t tell them anything about my feelings right now. They won’t… understand.” I sit there for a minute, eyes still closed. This world can sometimes be so unreal sometimes. When it feels that way, we just need our mind and emotions to bring it back to life. When I open my eyes again, it’s much darker. Leo is still gazing into the sky until I realize that I feel lighter. “You go,” I say. Leo shifts but then closes his eyes. “I miss Liam… back in California. He stopped talking to me ever since I told him I was moving. I just wish that he could have said goodbye. Mom tells me to do my homework with more ‘focus’ now,” Leo sighs, “and my tutor is always late for our sessions. I want to teach Kaylee skateboarding but… I also want to beat her in the next bus challenge,” Leo opens his eyes. I laugh, “you just had to put that one in, didn’t you.” I say. Leo shrugs and chuckles. “Anyways I-” I get up. “Thanks. I’ll let you know when I have my first session. I’m also still excited for skateboarding tomorrow, by the way.” “Yeah! And no prob. I-I’ll see you tomorrow,” Leo squints to see me because it’s so dark. “Okay!” …………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. The next day I wake up feeling light and airy and excited for skateboarding, but mom told me that my first session will be on Saturday, so part of me is dreading that. I already texted Leia this morning (she had to go shopping and visit her cousins, they also live in Ontario) and so I told her about therapy. Leia was confused, but she told me I’d get through it. I don’t know if I could do anything without Leia. “What would I do without you,” I type. “Nothing,” she types back. When I come down for breakfast, mom is her usual, cheery self. “Oh and I forgot to tell you,” I start, “I’m learning how to skateboard today after school. Leo’s teaching me at SunnySide.” “Wow, cool. Text me when you get there.” “‘Kay.” …………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. School is usual: slow and bo-ring. Ms Lou put us in ‘seating arrangements’ and I ended up sitting beside one of Leo’s ‘weird’ friends. Savannah and Leo are on the other side of the room. I’m basically in a bad mood all day. Finally, finally, finally, the end of the day comes and me and Leo are on the bus. “We just need to get dropped off, I’ll get the penny board and then we can walk to SunnySide,” Leo updates me. “Cool. I just wanna drop off my stuff and tell mom that we’re on our way.” …………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. After Leo gets the extra penny board for me and I drop off my stuff, we walk together to SunnySIde Skate Park. We carry our boards and talk and walk the short walk. “So… how are you feeling about therapy?” Leo asks me halfway there. “First of all,” I count on my fingers, “I feel like I don’t need therapy,” I express with my hands. “Second, I’m still scared, but I’m pushing the thought away. All that matters right now is just, me and you skateboarding, okay?” I look. “Sure. Just remember, it’s easier to look at the therapists forehead… remember that!” I double up and laugh, penny board slipping in my arms. “Wow,” I say in between breaths, “thanks for the….advice.” I laugh. Leo also laughs. “What? It’s what I do.” I roll my eyes, “well okay.” We reach SunnySide road. “I love the skate park,” Leo says suddenly. “It was the first place I visited when we moved here.” “Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” I say. We walk over to the center of the park. The part is filled with ramps, railings, graffiti.. There’s no one here. Just me, Leo and the breeze. The sun blazes while Leo puts down his board, I do the same. “Alright Kaylee,” Leo begins, “lesson number one.” Chapter 27
My voice hangs in the room. There isn’t an ‘okay’ or ‘dinner’s ready!’ like there usually would be. I notice that right away. I see mom in the den after I pry my shoes off, flinging them all over the rug. I skip in the den, bubbles popping in my insides. I wonder how this’ll end. “Hi mom, bye mom, going to do homework… see ya!!” I quickly zoom out, not waiting for an answer. “Honey, wait. Come talk to me,” mom’s voice is calming, and the whole world seems like it was switched to Slo-Mo. Mom’s calming and ‘everythings-going-to-be-alright’ voice just makes me madder. I don’t know why. I walk slowly over to where mom was sitting in the den. I sigh. “Kay, Ms Lou called me today an-” “Mom,” I cut, “I know what you’re going to say.” She nods. “But, can I talk first?” I roll my lips and nod. “So.. I’m surprised you scribbled over your test… what happened Kay? You can talk to me.” “I-I guess I never really loved math,” I say, noticing that I didn’t plan this conversation out. “Honey, you’re just nervous. Grade 8 is a big year, Kay. If you ever need help, we’re here, okay?” “I-” I lean my head in my hands and relax for a second. “Okay. I was panicking. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I’m usually so… I don’t know. Confident.” Mom nods. “Do you miss Leia.” She says it like it’s not even a question. I know I do, and she knows I do, too. So what does she think I’m gonna say? “Of course I do,” I sigh and sit up straighter. “Mmm.” We sit for a second. Then mom straightens up and shifts while she takes off her glasses. “Anyway, me and dad were thinking,” she says it slowly I wish I had a remote control to speed it up. “- we were thinking of signing you up… for therapy.” I laugh, but it was more of a cry instead, “you’re kidding, mom, right? Therapy? It’s only one test-” “That you scribbled on,” she nods, “out of stress.” “I-mom. Please please don’t sign me up for that. Please. I-I don’t need it,” I tremble, “please.” Mom looks at me, “I’m sorry Kay. But this is the best right now, okay? It’s not scary, trust me. I know a lot of people who have gone to therapy, okay honey?” “Don’t!” I say, tears in my eyes. “Don’t try to make me feel better! I don’t need therapy, I-” Mom smiles and says, “oh Kaylee, just try it out, okay? The first session is free.” Mom pats my knee and I hug her, not knowing why. I was honestly so mad at her right now. I don’t even know why I’m mad. Why did I even scribble on the test in the first place? Why couldn’t I just… try? Then I show her the note Ms Lou gave me on my test. “Don’t worry, Kay. Not a big deal. We’re all learning, okay?” …………………………………………………………………………………………………………… I sit back down on the sofa with my phone and breath a bit. Therapy? But does it even help? Who’s going to teach it? What if I don’t like it… but what if I do. What’s Leo going to say? Skateboarding fees like a million years ago, so now all I’m thinking about is therapy. I run up to my room, to think a bit. I end up reading a bit of Harry Potter and falling asleep on my bed for a while. When I wake up, it’s 5:57 pm. Something sparks in my head, like I needed to do this right now. I suddenly get up from my bed, grab my sweatshirt and run downstairs, yelling, “I’m going to Leo’s!” I call. Mom says to be back soon for dinner. I step out of the house and close the door. I stand there for a while. I think that all my troubles are back in the house, there’s no need to spread that bad mood to the other side of the neighbourhood. I try to smile as I run over to the other side of the street, reaching Leo’s house. Chapter 26
“Leo! Leo!” I run up to him. He turns around in his black hoodie and I pant when I reach him. “Hey! Out already? What happened?” I pant. “Well… I get a zero… of.. Course. But,” I stand up to my full height now, done panting. “Ms Lou did mention that I should get more ‘help’ at home with math.” “Aah, that’s okay. I could help you for the next test if you want.” …………………………………………………………………………………………………………… “Wow,” Leo is looking at the note Ms Lou gave me on my test on the bus later that evening. The bus rocks a bit. “She could be less.. harsh!” He blows and hands the test back to me and I shove it back in my backpack. I groan, “I know.” I swallow my pride for this test. I guess I needed to think this over. I guess I should’ve thought this over Before. I’m daydreaming when the bus reaches our stop. Leo checks his phone, “shoot.” I look over, “what?” He types on his phone, “I have torturing today,” he mumbles. My eyes pop and I laugh, “tutoring? You’re like, the smartest person on earth.” “What would Leonardo Da Vinci say to that?” He smirks. “Leo… he’s an artist..” “See. I’m not so smart.” “Ha ha,” I fake laugh and roll my eyes. “What subject do you take?” “A bunch. Mostly Social Studies, but sometimes math, too. I suck at Social Studies.” We hop off the bus and start to walk home. “Is tutoring… okay?” I ask. Leo shrugs, “eh, it’s average. Sometimes hard.” Then Leo takes out his skateboard as the bus pulls away. “Wanna race again?” I laugh, “no way.” “You’re just scared.” I think of a comeback. “Well, you’re just a show off.” Leo skates around but slower so I could keep up a bit more. I watch him because as much as I hate to admit it, Leo is really good at skateboarding. I wonder.. “Can you teach me how to skate?” I blurt. Everyone has something that they don’t really like about themselves. For me, probably the number one thing on that list is speaking my mind. I remember mom telling me when I was little to think before you say something. I never really used to pay attention. But now, sometimes I blurt things without even knowing that I actually said it out loud. Naturally, the question pops out of my mouth before I could catch it. Then that question floats in the air for a few seconds before Leo responds. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret blurting that. I just wish I knew that I did it. I do want to know how to skate, though. “Heh. It’s mostly for guys. I don’t really see a lot of girl skateboarders out here…” Leo walks with me again. “Oh come on.” I start. “I’m not going to beg. It just looks cool and I thought…” I pause for fake thoughts and hope Leo thinks it over. “Well I thought you could teach me. Just for fun. Please?” Leo is quiet. “Plus,” I start again, but I whisper. “Mom wanted me to do more ‘sports’ these days,” I do air quotes and try not to roll my eyes. Leo thinks for a second while I hold my breath. I am kind of a tomboy. Plus, skateboarding just looks like a cooler version of riding your bike. “Fine I’ll teach you,” Leo laughs. “You’ll use the penny board in the garage.” I squeal, “thank you! I can’t wait.” Leo laughs, “tomorrow, six o’clock. SunnySide Skate Park. Don’t forget!” “Yes yes yes,” I clap. “Can’t wait!” I repeat. “I kind of always wanted to be a teacher….” Leo flips his board while I try to get a good look at him. “Really.” “- OK Fine. But teaching skateboarding will be fun. It’s the one thing I’m actually good at.” Leo says. “Not true.” I laugh. We keep walking until I realize that we’re close to our house strip. Butterflies spring up in my insides before I could stop them, an explosion in my stomach. I stop. “Hey… don’t worry. It’s… just a test,” Leo says. “Exactly,” I almost whisper. “So why am I so worried?” Me and Leo keep walking in silence but I can’t notice because all I hear is nothing. My eyes are still wide open while my backpack thumps against my spine, breathing hard. Then me and Leo reach the sidewalk where our houses part. Leo hangs on the straps on his backpack. “Well, text me how it goes. We’ll talk about skateboarding later. See ya,” Leo waves. “Okay cool thanks,” I wave and face my own house. I breathe in. Leo’s voice echoes inside my head. ‘Just a test. Just a test.” I start to walk till I reach my front porch. Then I swing open the door and without hesitation, I yell, “I’m home!” |